Here’s something most holiday messaging won’t tell you. Research consistently shows this is actually the most stressful time of year for many people. Financial pressure, family tension, grief, exhaustion – these aren’t personal failures. They’re widespread experiences that the “most wonderful time of the year” narrative makes us feel ashamed to admit.
I’ve been working with people’s stress and tension for over 40 years now and what I see during the holidays is that people are trying to meet expectations they didn’t create. Expectations that don’t actually serve connection. The shift doesn’t have to be difficult. It’s a matter of focusing on what genuinely matters and releasing what doesn’t.
The money pressure
This is now the number one holiday stressor according to recent surveys. The pressure to make it “magical enough.” The fear of January credit card bills. The guilt about not matching what others spend.
Here’s what I’ve learned. Presence is more valuable than presents. A child remembers the adult who got on the floor and played with them far longer than they remember what was in a box. An aging parent treasures your attention more than any gift you could buy.
The people who love you want you. Not a performance of generosity that leaves you stressed for months.
Decide in advance what you can actually afford and let that be enough. If gift expectations feel out of control propose alternatives – Secret Santa, experience gifts, donations in someone’s name. And release comparison because you don’t know what debt others are taking on to maintain appearances.
The family tension
The expectation of togetherness often forces interactions we avoid the rest of the year. Political uncles. Intrusive questions about your life choices – marital status, career, whether you’re having children. The exhausting performance of happiness when you don’t feel it.
I want to say something about this. You don’t have to win any arguments. The dinner table isn’t where minds change. When conversation goes somewhere uncomfortable, you’re allowed to breathe, nod, and let it pass. Not agreeing isn’t the same as approving. Practice to listen to without having to agree. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is stay regulated while others are not.
Connection over correction. You don’t have to straighten anyone out. If you find even one moment of genuine warmth – a shared laugh, a real question about someone’s life, a moment of helping in the kitchen – that’s enough. You came, you connected, you can leave with your integrity intact.
For intrusive questions – you’re allowed to give boring answers. “Things are good.” “Still figuring it out.” “I’m happy with where I am.” You don’t owe anyone an explanation of your life choices.
Grief and the empty chair
For many people the holidays highlight loss more than any other time of year. There’s anxiety about how to navigate traditions that used to involve someone who’s now gone. Worry about getting emotional in front of others. Guilt about enjoying yourself without that person.
And for those without strong family ties or who can’t travel the cultural saturation of “family” imagery creates a painful contrast.
I won’t pretend there’s a fix for grief. But I will say this: your grief is love with nowhere to go. You don’t have to hide it or apologize for it.
If you’re alone this season please know that you’re not a social outcast. You’re a human being navigating something hard and that deserves gentleness not shame.
Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up – joy, sadness, or both in the same hour. You don’t have to perform happiness you don’t feel. If a tradition feels too painful this year it’s okay to skip it or modify it. Consider creating a small ritual to honor who’s missing – lighting a candle, sharing a memory, acknowledging the empty chair rather than pretending it’s not there.
The exhaustion
The mental checklist. The logistics. The sense that if you don’t manage everything it all falls apart. This weight falls disproportionately on certain shoulders – often women and mothers – and it’s physically and mentally exhausting.
Here’s the reframe. You don’t have to do all of it. Some traditions can be simplified. Some expectations can be released. The people who matter will still feel connected even if the cards go out late or the side dish comes from a store or the decorations aren’t Instagram-worthy.
Identify the 2-3 things that actually matter to you and your family. Focus there. Release the rest.
“Good enough” is actually good enough.
The tool that’s always available
When things get intense – before you walk in the door, in the bathroom when you need a moment, before you respond to something provocative – three deep sighs (yes, three!).
Breathe in. Let your exhale be longer than your inhale. Repeat three times.
This won’t fix your family or eliminate holiday stress. But it will keep you from getting hijacked by the tension in the room. It will help you respond rather than react. It will remind your nervous system that you’re safe even when the environment feels charged.
I’ve been teaching breathing for 40 years and this is what I know with certainty. Your breath is your friend. It’s always available, it asks nothing of you, and it can carry you through more than you think.
The underlying truth
Most holiday anxiety comes from trying to meet expectations we didn’t create and that don’t actually serve connection.
The perfect gift. The perfect meal. The perfect family photo. The perfect performance of holiday joy.
None of these are what the holidays are actually for.
What matters is simpler. Being present with the people in front of you. Staying true to yourself. Choosing warmth where you can.
The shift doesn’t have to be difficult. Focus on what genuinely matters. Release the performance of perfection. Protect your peace without closing your heart.
And breathe.
Daniel Hirtz is a consciousness facilitator, breathwork teacher, and musician based in San Francisco. He works with individuals, groups, and organizations to create connection through breath, rhythm, and presence. Learn more at danielhirtz.com.
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